Her petite hand wiped the long, auburn curl away from her emerald eyes. That's when she noticed
him. His sharp jaw line and shaggy, light brown hair. With one flick of his neck, his sapphire eyes were revealed. She took in all the tiny details of his structure. From his height, to the tiny freckle just to the left of his right eye. She snapped out of her trance once he passed by her. She filled her nose with his scent and nearly melted inside. He smelt so fresh, so new.
She closed her locker, and swiftly turned on her heels. Her eyes locked on her schedule as she picked up her pace.
THUD!
"Oh my gosh! I am soo sorry! I wasn't watching where I was going an-"
"It's fine." the words escaped his plump, pink lips. She glanced up. Blue and green collided as they locked eyes. It was him.
PLEASE PLEASE PUH-LEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK! I would really like to know if anyone thinks my writing has any potential.
ok, first off, I am kind of a hypocritical hard ass so don't take anything I say personally because this is a cute peace (and no this sentence is not a sugar coating so I can proceed to tell you my true feelings of board-um from your writing, i do like what you wrote, I just want to be sure you don't think im a bitch, because it has happened before). now for what I think about your writing, you talk a lot about the appearance of the 2 people, but what about everything else that is happening? what is she hearing? is her heart beating? is anyone else in the hall? when you choose to have an exploded moment like this you should try to give it more depth so I as the reader can put myself right into the moment. (sorry if i sound cliche) And one last thing, when you write, "From his height, to the tiny freckle just to the left of his right eye," you should include a third thing the character is noticing because threes are good and I feel like you need something more there, you just cut off too short. but over all I thought it was a good start to something bigger.
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ReplyDeleteOMG!!! Hayley are you kidding me you did not write this!!! This sounds like an AUTHOR wrote it! Im impressed GIRL!
ReplyDelete~Kate :)
Thanks kate!
ReplyDeleteMaya,
I was trying to just focus on them and see how it turned out, but if you think explaining what was happening around them would improve my writing, I'll give it a try.
Hayley,I'm soooo jealous!!!!! You have to be writer. Keep it coming.
ReplyDeleteSuch vocabulary i was amazed by this story, it kinda had me hooked when i read this.
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