I tread this road,
a ribbon of brown,
fallen leaves,
stretched before me,
never-ending,
I climb the sloped road.
The Sakura trees blossom,
carelessly tossing their pedals,
in my path,
on the sloped road.
I cannot stop,
for fear if I do,
I will not start,
ever again,
the climb up the sloped road.
But oh how I ache,
from this tiresome tread,
with leaden toes,
head hanging low,
up this endlessly sloped road.
I walk alone.
until I can't go on,
and I think to myself,
as I finally stop,
lying to rest,
maybe-just maybe,
if, I were not to walk alone,
I could make it,
to the end of the sloped road.
Well I already posted this on the Just Write blog last marking period, but since no-one commented I thought that maybe I would have better luck here. Comments? Please?
First of all, I really like the message of the poem. I thought that it was saying that even though life is difficult, with the help of friends we can pull through. I felt that you used effective diction and imagery throughout the poem. However, I do have some suggestions. In the first stanza, the second and third lines seemed disjointed to me. I was not sure whether the road itself was brown or if the leaves were brown. When I first read it I felt that brown was describing the leaves, and that this would be clearer is the two lines were combined to be “a ribbon of brown fallen leaves”. I liked the third, fourth, and fifth stanzas, but I feel as if the second stanza didn't really mesh with the rest of the poem. You are creating a feeling of exhaustion and hardship in the other stanzas, using phrases such as “leaden toes”, “head hanging low”, “never-ending”, and “can't go on”. However, your second stanza includes imagery that seems both beautiful and peaceful, with flower petals “carelessly” drifting to the road. Are the flowers meant to be obstacles in your path? I just felt that the tone of the second stanza did not flow with the rest of the poem. Hope some of my advice is helpful, and I enjoyed reading your poem.
ReplyDeleteI think you need to take those old books of the shelves
ReplyDeleteill sit and read it all by myself
todays poetry aint got the same soul
as that old time poetry
dont try to show me it on facebook
youl never even get me on the web
in ten minutes ill write one of my own
i like that old time poetry
still like that old time poetry
that kind of writing just soothes the soul
i reminisce about the authors of old
with that old time poetry
(readers solo)
wont make me read any kanye
id rather read me some Dr Seuss
theres only one sure way to get me to read
start writing old time poetry
call me a critic call me what you wish
say im old fashion say im over the hill
todays poetry aint got the same soul
i like that old time poetry
still like that old time poetry
that kind of poetry just soothes the soul
i reminisce about the poets of old
with that old time poetry
still like that old time poetry
that kind of poetry just soothes the soul
i reminisce about the poets of old
with that old time poetry
still like that old time poetry
I thought the actual poem was realy good.
(and old fashioned)
comment dedicated to old fashion poets everywhere (and Bob Seger)
Well I see what your saying, but to clear things up, the path is brown, but the leaves are pink, because their Sakura trees, which have pink petals.
ReplyDeleteAlso, is my poem really old fashioned? I didn't notice...
I too have a question about the petals...it seems an image that would be more in place in a hopeful poem, where the ascent is to something desired and the path is worth noticing...think Stopping by Wood On a Snowy Eve by Robert Frost. Your poem is dreary and toilsome...I would expect the obstacles to be crabapples that you trip over or perhaps granite and ledge outcroppings that force you from one side to another...also, where does the final thought from the speaker come from? What is the impetus for the feeling of hope , the idea that a companion would make the trail passable?
ReplyDeleteSorry for all the contradictions. I'm not very good at writing poems. And before the poem had acouple stanzas where the speaker notices people walking on other paths, and some people are walking in pairs, like a mother and child or a couple walking hand in hand, but I took those parts out. I guess without those stanzas the end doesn't make sense though....Sorry I didn't think of that. Thank you for the feedback, I will try to do better next time....
ReplyDeleteI like the second stanza! I think it shows some happiness, and hope, despite the endless trudge up the sloped road. I had a clear image of what was happening in the poem.
ReplyDelete