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It feels very out of place; it throws off the meter of the poem. The line drags the eye of the reader very far away from the rest of the poem, creating such a distraction that the rest of the poem's message doesn't really register. If I were you, I'd either take out the line completely, or maybe just say "with time sped up too much". To fit the line pattern better.
I think this is pretty good and I like the message, BUT--the one thing I would change is the repeated use of the word air. To me it feels a little redundant.."air, air, midAIR,.." so just try to change it up a little bit.
I really enjoyed reading this, as the poem went on i felt like i read faster and faster, when i pictured this i saw someone falling, kind of grabbing at nothing, well done(:
I really enjoyed it. Just like sammy said when i read it i pictured someone falling. If a poem makes someone picture something than its good. Great job!
One thing that bothers me: "10 times the normal"
ReplyDeleteIt feels very out of place; it throws off the meter of the poem. The line drags the eye of the reader very far away from the rest of the poem, creating such a distraction that the rest of the poem's message doesn't really register. If I were you, I'd either take out the line completely, or maybe just say "with time sped up too much". To fit the line pattern better.
I think this is pretty good and I like the message, BUT--the one thing I would change is the repeated use of the word air. To me it feels a little redundant.."air, air, midAIR,.." so just try to change it up a little bit.
ReplyDeleteThanks, I agree with what you guys said and changed it a bit.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this, as the poem went on i felt like i read faster and faster, when i pictured this i saw someone falling, kind of grabbing at nothing, well done(:
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed it. Just like sammy said when i read it i pictured someone falling. If a poem makes someone picture something than its good. Great job!
ReplyDelete