Come on.
Let's scream at the world.
Come on,
It'll be be fun!
You'll love it.
We don't need anyone else
But yourself.
It's them
It's their fault.
They've got the chloroform.
I've seen it.
They'll stifle us.
Hey,
Come on.
Let's scream at the world.
What do you guys think? Also, any title suggestions?
i love how this poem is so nonchalantly stating the rest of the world is holding us down and is over-rated. the tone is really cool and casual, which is nice because it creates a contrast with the what the message is.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Lian .D, cool nonchalant tone...one line that is awkward though is "We don't need anyone else
ReplyDeleteBut yourself."
Also, i am not sure about the speaker...why does she want to convince someone to fight back, even though she knows the ultimate outcome...and seeing is probably not the right sense to use for chloroform...
On the bright side, I think the tone is fabulous and I can see this being a piece that could be illustrated beautifully...we need to find some emerging artists that want to connect words with art....any thoughts?
Actually.. I did notice the awkwardness of that line. The reason why I didn't change it was because I was trying to give a solid clue about who the speaker was and who it was talking to (also in the case of "they'll stifle us"). I didn't know how to word it any other way without it being misinterpreted. I'm totally gonna give it away if anyone didn't already know, but it's supposedly that little voice in your head that convinces you to do bad things. So this is like that immature anger that lashes out at the things you hate, like you are pitting yourself against the rest of the world. Kinda.
ReplyDeleteHow do I fix the "see" thing? The chloroform can't be smelled because then the person would have passed out... And unfortunately, I am an artist no longer. So I've got nothing.
Get it know...talking id, ego, superego type of thing...love the idea, kinda like a book I read called The Bad Seed....as far as the awkward line, why not "We don't need anyone else"...for the chlorophorm, who is to say that this id voice hasn't "sniffed the rag" before? Obviously we listen to the voice at times but often we don't and no matter what, our shout at the world is always stifled so this voice should have some prior experience of the smell...sad to hear that you no longer sketch but I would rather have your pen in action.
ReplyDeleteSo then I wonder if I should change it to smell? I still don't get what to do about the awkward line though.. What is id?
ReplyDeleteOh, and of course, mere days after I say I no longer draw- I have an idea for a drawing. I'm doing it now actually. ^^; I haven't been able to visit you in a long time, Horvath! I should come one Friday and show you
id,ego,superego, psychology stuff, worth looking into especially for writing inspiration. Can't tell you how thrilled I am that you are still drawing. And you know my door is always open for a visit!!!
ReplyDeleteWoohoo!! I'll just drop in randomly one friday or something... And actually I'm really interested in psychology and sciences now. My teachers say I can take those classes as a junior, but I am trying to incorporate psychological fact into my works lately..
ReplyDeleteGreat idea on the psychology and sciences...I would also say that you want to do some reading on religion and philosophy...a writer is a thinker and a thinker needs to be surrounded by big ideas and those ideas are contained in philosophy, theology etc...For someone interested in Eastern tradition I would suggest Taoism...it was one of my favorites to study.
ReplyDeleteHm.. maybe I should take World Religions in college ^^'
ReplyDeleteActually I think I'm writing too well for my own good.. I have a ridiculious story to tell you Horvath, but I'll visit soon I promise!
Hey any career ideas for a kid like me? I am thinking about going into the field of science and maybe go back and be a high school teacher, but I plan on having a house, kittens, fox kits, and a support system to keep us all set for life by the time I'm 28. (not gonna happen) XD