I'm broken
Somewhere, deep inside
Something needs to be tuned
To the right station
My mind is all out of wack
It's not wired right
Or it's just another hand-me-down
Too old and worn
Ready to give way
~
I thought this was a bit too sad to put on the other blog. any suggestions or corrections would be welcomed!
I don't think it's too sad at all. We all feel at times that we are just not in step or a little out of tune...I think this feeling is what makes writers and artists truly different, it makes you see the world as an outsider, looking critically at those things that everyone seems to take for granted. I do see a confusion in image here, I like the tuning (audio equipment image) to open as well as the wiring line, but then you break to hand me down images of worn out clothing which is much different than being out of tune
ReplyDeletei guess what i was trying to say got muddled. i was going for the feeling of being too old, too weighted down with responsibilty. for me it feels like being out of tune, because you see everyone else being care free, but you seem to have to be the only one that makes sure no one gets hurt. i was going for the feeling of having to be the adult amongst everyone else.
ReplyDeletethe weight in this poem does not seem to be the weight of responsibility, perhaps you could add/change the imagery to drive that idea into the sunlight. You need to contrast dangerous images of youth and carefree attitude with the images of responsibility so we can see the speaker who desparately doesnt want to be responsible but knows only that one way.
ReplyDelete